Saturday, August 29, 2015

Summer Yum!

I love supporting local businesses, especially farmer's markets.  <3

We bought some zucchinis, yellow squash, corn ears, blueberries, strawberries, chocolate cream pie, and a bottle of Silver Moon Strawberry Blonde Wine. Yum! Gonna grill out good tomorrow! Just because it's summer and grilled food is sooooo good! I think we've grilled more this summer than used our stove/oven!

Praise Ceres and Dionysus for this bounty!  Praise the Land Spirits!

Also, what to do with ugly yarn?  Turn it into wash cloths!

Friday, August 28, 2015

Bumpy Times

It's been a bumpy month.  A roller coaster that's still going.  It's been a month of stress, uncertainty, fear, tears, anger, and release.  Oh, and a test of faith, for sure.  But I think everything's okay now.  I still have a bit of stress to face, but it'll be worth it in the end.  Even if it means that I'm alienated from half of my family, and made out to be an ungrateful monster, another one to add to the list, which includes my mom, aunt, and others.

Keep on working hard, stay focused.  Our dream will become a reality, without the involvement of some rather toxic people in it.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Life for a Life

A few weeks ago, I went fishing.  It was the first time in a long time, so I wasn't looking to keep anything, that and I kept catching bluegill after bluegill and some small bass.  Too small to keep.  I threw them back, so they could grow.  I didn't feel too good about that (I'm against Sport and Trophy Hunting/Fishing), because of many of my hooks were hard to remove.  I gave the Pond Spirits offerings of thanks.  Then came Unlucky 13 who ended up swallowing my hook, then flopped into the water on his own.  I gave a blood offering.  
Life for a life.  
Whenever I fish now, whether I throw them back or keep them, I give pain and blood to the Water Spirits.  I make it even.  (Sometimes the fish do the cutting for me!)
I was harvesting white peony root last week and I didn't feel that just giving energy or water to the Land Spirits was enough.  I gave bit of pain and a bit of blood for killing most of the peony for some of its roots.  I can feel a plants' energy, I can feel their fear and pain (this may actually be me being sensitive to the chemicals that they released when damaged, either way, I can sense it and it sucks), I believe that this is the best payment for harvest.  Take and give.  In my practice, it needs to be done.  
With hunting/fishing, Artemis demands that I give some of my kill to Her, and I do without question.  But times when I don't have anything to offer Her, I may give Her my own blood, although She hasn't asked.  Before I'd give words of thanks, a lit candle, or a found gift from nature.  I don't believe that's enough anymore. 
As for Ceres, same thing.  Blood is better than milk or alcohol, for this type of task.  When you're working in the garden, one tends to give pain and blood anyway, through random cuts, splinters, bites, stings, and blisters.  In my eyes, that's nature taking their share for the harvest.  Balance.
Growing up hunting and fishing, some my elders told me that the injuries and soreness from the journey are just God's payment.  He blessed us with the skills and the privilege and chance of taking that life, we had to repaid him.
From now on, when I harvest flora and fauna, any pain given or life taken will be repaid in my own blood.  I still have my lancer from when I had gestational diabetes.  It's perfect.  I've used it in the past for blood offerings.
On one hand, I feel pride when harvesting.  On the other, it's a very somber experience.  I don't enjoy taking life, but it needs to be done, be that life flora or fauna.  That's just how our existence is.  Take one life to sustain the other (soon it'll be my turn, as Mufasa says 'to take my place in a great circle of life'.  My life will be taken and given to sustain other lives).  I'm certain to use as much as I can, treat the harvest with respect from beginning to end.  And to naturally discard what I can't use.  As is the way of nature.
Not a blood offering, but thanks to Ceres for my White Peony Root harvest.  I gave the blood to Her and the Land Spirits after harvesting from the plant last week.  Just fire and milk tonight.
(also post on

Monday, August 10, 2015

Bad News and Good News

Because I always prefer the bad news first.  

There's no moving into my dad's, because they already have someone living with them.  No room.  I've been stressing and crying most of the day.  I couldn't sleep, my stomach was in knots.  Even my husband stayed home today because I was such a wreck!  

I had asked the spirits and they warned me, but they also said that it wasn't dark outside when it was.  And they also gave me another wrong answer, about something else, but have been spot on when it was important.

So no dad's.  I just wish that they haven't waited so long to tell me.  I mean, I emailed them on Thursday, and they saw it.  Normally, they're pretty on it with the phones and updating, but not lately, when I needed it most!  

I was feeling like a failure, despite that this situation isn't really our fault this time.  No, we're not totally innocent, but it's just a mess.  I was worried about my kids.  I was trying to not be resentful towards certain family members.  I was just trying to see the opportunities.  Enough crying and dwelling and start working on solutions before time runs out and I really turn into a loser.

My husband suggested finding an apartment with his recently separated brother (from his wife).  Beggars can't be choosers, by any means, but I don't really care for him that much.  He likes to use people and his oldest is a total bully.  I was promised that I wouldn't be treated like baby sitter, and that his kids would actually be spending most of their time with their mom.  He's also a bit of a hoarder...well, either him or his soon-to-be-ex-wife, I guess I'll find out.  

But we'll be helping each other out with rebuilding our credits and having a stable place to live.  For us it's only going to be for 6 months to a year, as long as we're steadfast.  We'll have two incomes coming in, the bills will be split (although I may also find a 2nd or 3rd shift part time job to help speed things along).

Minus minor annoyances of my BIL, he's not emotionally abusive or a smoker.  Positive's right?  Those are some pretty big positives!

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Set Backs and Opportunities

Well, that royally bites.

For months, the Spirits have been telling me that we're going to get the loan for this house.  This house belonged to my grandmother and before she died, she said we could live here at least for a years without paying rent.  When she passed, the house went to my Uncle.  We've been working on getting my husband's credit up since Winter Solstice, and have been doing fairly well.  My husband's gotten it up 61 points.  But most banks, even those who're supposed to help people like us who have bad credit, said that we need it up to 600-620.

How's that helping us?

Then last week, something changed.  The Spirits started telling me that we need to start looking for an apartment.  Two weeks before, everything was fine.  And suddenly, start packing.  ????

They've been constant in saying that my uncle's not going to work with us.  That he won't give us more time, even if we find someone to help us.  He doesn't want to be a landlord, even if that means tossing us out on the street.  It's kind of fucked up, especially since we have two young children and have been working hard on trying to purchase this house.

It is what it is.  There's faults on both sides.

But we won't be homeless.  There's a place--an emotionally abusive place, but it's better than street.  My dad's.  I keep hoping that maybe it won't be as bad as the first time.  We didn't have children, I wasn't a forgiving person, I didn't have a handle on my rage, and my depression was horrible.  This time, I have more control over myself and I'm more positive.  I'm trying to see the opportunities and not the obstacles.  That and they have a fenced in yard and a neighborhood that I feel safe walking in, should we need to get out of the house.  AND my favorite park is closer.  And so's my BFF.

The good outweighs the bad.

I'm really trying to not hold resentment towards my mom, who has a whole another half of her house that she doesn't use, but won't let us stay there, in a safe and healthy environment, because of her husband (he likes his private time).  But he'll help his son out and let them stay at the house, but not us.  Like, I said, I'm trying to not be negative or resentful towards this whole situation.  Besides, my mom's helping us in other ways, or trying to anyway.

This will give us a chance to focus on getting our credit up to or above where it needs to be.  Hubby's hoping that we'll only be there for 6-8 months.  Hopefully next year, we'll be ready to buy a house.  I want enough land where I can have a chicken coup, some goats, and a garden.  I want my Hopeful Homestead.  But I also want a home that's up to code.  I'm fine with a fixer-upper, but not something that's going to cost more to fix than it costs to purchase.

The Spirits and my grandmother have even told us that this house isn't worth fighting for.  There's far too many major problems with it.  Like, we haven't had hot water in 2 months, because of a bad gas line.  The house need to be rewired, there's mold, plaster walls which easily breed mold from what I've seen, it's not the most secure house--especially for a bad neighborhood, and in the bathroom there's wood rot around the bathtub and the toilet.  These were all things that we were going to fix if we got the house.  Now it's all up to my uncle to get it up to code before he can sell it.

Not to mention that there's a troublesome Spirit here that I've been having problems getting rid of.  AND when we move out, the Spirit that I evicted when we first move in, will no doubt return.  Sucks for the next family, but I've done all that I can to keep this house pure and protected.  Before we leave, I'm neutralizing this house.  I'm breaking the protections I placed over it.

The only real drawbacks of moving back in with my dad are, well, my dad.  He, nor his wife are working, but I don't feel comfortable leaving my kids alone with them.  He's chilled out since going on disability, but he still has his moments.  And the Spirits in their house feed off of that energy and make it a very dark place, energy wise.  I'm stronger than I was, and the last time I lived there, I was able to make them happy.  I'll have to rebuild a relationship.

He's a smoker and he's the type of smoker who doesn't believe in second-hand-smoke.  So even though my youngest had breathing problems when he was born, that doesn't matter to him.  It's his castle and he's going to do what he wants.  He also has a bad habit of smoking in bed.  I'm surprised that he hasn't burned the house down!  That scares the hell out of me!

He's never given me the respect to not smoke around my kids, which is why he hasn't seen them that often.

The Spirits say that this is a good move.  That as long as we're steadfast, we're going to achieve our goal.  I'm driven; I've got Brynn at my back, pushing me, encouraging me.  I'm not going back to my dad's after this, or back to apartment life.  I want a house.  I'm going to work for it.  We're going to work for it.  We're getting a house within the next year or so.

Well, we have three weeks to get everything packed and moved.  I've got a lot to plan, concerning my kids.  My dad has a puppy, can't be having those beagles chewing up my kid's toys.  Nor do I want cigarette smoke contaminating their stuffed animals, blankets, books, and such.

Man, they're going to need to do some serious baby and toddler proofing, too.

I really hope that we're not going to be there that long.  Two Aries are not meant to live under the same roof, but I know how to swallow my pride in order to make things work.

It is kind of funny to me the differences of family.  My emotionally abusive father is kinder than certain members of my mom's side.  My mom's side, some of them have the time, money, and the space, but they'd almost rather us be on the streets than help us out.  Whereas my dad doesn't have the space, and refuses to see us on the street.  He's willing to help us get on our feet.  But my mom and certain people on her side, aren't.

Both sides came from the south end--the same neighborhood, the neighborhood we're in right now (although it's not nearly as bad as it was when they lived here), they came from nothing.  They've had to work their asses off to get what they have.  All of them.  Yet my dad has always said that if we ever need a place to go, his door is open.  He'll help us get our feet.  My mom will help us out with looking for a place, with bills, and food, of course, and I'm always grateful for that.  But when we're faced with the street, it's my dad to the rescue.

My mom knows how emotionally abusive my dad is, and yet, she won't offer us a place to live, despite that she has the space.  I don't get it.  But her house also has a flea problem, so a blessing in disguise, I guess (both me and my oldest are allergic to flea bites).

Life, right?  Doesn't always make sense.  I guess I'm of a good balance of my parents.  Like my mom, I'm not emotionally abusive.  But like my dad, I may not have the space or the money, but I will not allow you to live on the streets.  You need a safe, clean place to stay for a little while?  As long as rules are followed and agreements are honored, my doors are open.

There are no obstacles, only opportunities.  Minus the drawbacks, we're being given quite the opportunity to get and stay on our feet.  We have a place to stay, going to get our credit up, and then my mom's going to be able to help us more when it comes to finding a house in 8-ish months (hopefully it doesn't take a longer, but it might).

But the moment that my dad lashes out at my kids and scares them with his rage, we're gone.  I don't know where we'll go, but I'm not going to subject my children to that environment.